It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
this just has baby written all over it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize