Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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