If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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