ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
