So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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