I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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