Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
