apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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