new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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