I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
