Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize