Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
