I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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