he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
