the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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