my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
