My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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