I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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