I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My liver just broke up with me...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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