Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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