God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
