the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
