Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
