He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
