I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
