after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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