6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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