I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Couch. On fire.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
