So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
