yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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