i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
