the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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