you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
