my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
