Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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