you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
