I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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