just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
