I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
