it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
