My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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