I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How naked do you want me to be?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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