It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
