last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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