I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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