I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
