I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
