she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize