allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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