I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize