I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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