what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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