: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
