My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize