Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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