I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
