Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
