New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
