She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
