well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
