like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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