After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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