Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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