Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
