i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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