ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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