Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
