my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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