I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
