Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am mentally ready for anal.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
